I went to the library in Standish today to study for the GRE
and mooch off their internet. I took a break and looked around at all the books
in the children's section that I happened to be sitting in. There were so many!
Now this is a tiny library that I'm
talking about. Minuscule. To
illustrate its minuscule size, let me say this: There is only enough room in
the parking lot to fit 8 cars at a time, including the librarians'. Yes, so
even though this library is not much to look at, it still held so many books
when I really took the time to look at all of them stacked together. Thousands!
Which is when I made the realization that they can't all be popular. Most
probably aren't read very often, or even at all. I began to think of how if I
write books, they are probably going to get lost in the thrall of all these
other publications. They are going to sit on a shelf and be overlooked by the
adjacent books. Will my words reach people? Will they ever be held in acclaim?
Will they ever be praised? Build a following of admirers? Be featured as a
movie? Speak to readers beyond generations? Will it have an impact on how
people see the world, how they see themselves? I'm sure so many other writers
wanted the same things I do. That they started off with innocent and naive
thoughts of success and fame. And when they finished their book, when they
finally got it published, and when they finally got to get a few people to buy
it, it just sat on a shelf, ignored by young readers who want to read only the
newest, hottest series.
It's rather dismal to think the fate of my stories might end
up like that. But I guess I don't want to write stories. I want to write
something more than just stories. I want to write literature. I want to write something people will read
for hundreds of years. Something students will have to read in class and
dissect to get the full meaning. Something that will pull a string on the harp
of a reader's soul so that it tremors and reverberates to a point where they
can't consciously ignore the impact the message had on them. I want all these
things so bad, and I can't explain why. I just do. I want to speak on behalf of
teenagers throughout the ages like J.D. Salinger. I want to teach lessons on
humanity like Harper Lee. I want to enrich children's, and adults, imaginations
like Roald Dahl. I want to juxtapose the irony and beauty of everyday life like
O. Henry.
I can't ensure that my efforts will amount to anything, but
I must continue writing in hopes that they will.
So while I was at the library studying for the GRE and
making discoveries on the realities of writing, I also made the realization
that I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is the first time I took a
practice test or even picked up anything to study for the GRE, but my initial
scores are making me question my mental capacity and intellect. There are so
many words I do not understand. So many. I made a list of all the ones I don't
know and their definition and it almost filled up two pages. And I'd like to
think that my reading comprehension is up to par, but with the strict time
constraint I am unable to read as slowly and as fully as I need to grasp the
concept of a given excerpt.
Perhaps I have taken on too much. I was optimistic to a
fault in thinking what I could accomplish at Grandma's. I am currently trying
to study for the GRE to get stellar scores, learn to play guitar, learn to
speak French, write creatively and publish three stories by the end of the
year, read and keep up with The Literate, keep up with this bad-boy of a blog,
find a job, make money, find a way to travel to Europe, and make long-term
plans for a successful career. I have taken a bite too big (which reminds me, I
need to eat another piece of Carson's dark chocolate caramels from Costco which
are 'Ambrosial,' or worthy of the gods, divine, exceptionally pleasing to taste
or smell.)
Am I being dramatic or is that too much? I know I need to
narrow my goals down, but they all seem hinged on each other. Like if I want to
go to France, I need to get a job so I can save money, as well as learn the
native language, and I need to make plans to either be a teacher or an au pair,
or make some sort of revenue. Studying for the GRE and writing are two integral
things I cannot give up. But I also really enjoy divulging into literature and
recording it on The Literate. And the guitar is really fun, even though I am
not making much head-way in it. So what am I to do? How can I do it all?
I made an hour-by-hour itinerary for today so that I could
accomplish as much as possible and not waste a minute. It helped, but I
honestly don't know if my brain can absorb all the things I want it to. English vocab, GRE test taking skills,
French vocab, and guitar notes are all things I am trying to memorize at once.
I wonder if there is a way to expand one's mental capacity...
I have been accomplishing a good amount of writing,
especially when Grandma and Uncle George are out of the house. The sun streams
in through my window onto my desk in the afternoon and the snow glitters
outside. It is simply beautiful. And now that I am forcing myself to write at
the same time everyday for two hours, it kick starts my creativity and I know I
must get in writing-mode.
Uncle George keeps making appearances, sometimes staying a
few nights, sometimes disappearing for a few days. He talks a lot, but at least
he puts up the toilet seat, even if he doesn't always put it back down.
Discipline is key. I know I have been saying this to myself
for forever, but I really want to be able to stick to my guns, make a plan of
success, and keep to it.
My Daily Schedule for Optimal Success:
8:30am - Wake up, dress, eat, tidy room.
9:30am - Update blogs
10:30am - Read Self-Help books: Examples of good essays,
writing prompts and writers workshop books, books on Buddhism, books on how to
write effective essays.
11:00am - Write.
Sit and write.
Sit and write.
1:30pm - Job Hunt (locally, nationally, internationally) and
Lunch
5:00pm - GRE Prep
7:30pm - Dinner, Guitar, Leisure Reading, and French until
bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment