Week One of Move-In

Pro: Fried chicken for the first time. Absolutely amazing. Not to toot my own horn but it was basically KFC. 

Con: No job. No Money.

The anger that would suddenly burst out of me when I was home has subsided since moving in with Grandma. Though some of her elderly, slow ways can be irritating at times, she's quite active for an 81 year old and the visits I make with her to her various friends has served as a fountain of inspiration. 

My grandma is recently 81, loves playing card, visiting friends, and playing the nickel machines at the casino. She gets more calls in a day than I do texts. She cooks amazing country food, like pot pies, homemade noodle soups, and fruit pies, but her dissolving memory has increasingly resulted in stale concoctions that may or may not be missing an ingredient or two. She also notoriously cuts people off on the road, forgets where she put things, and is hard of hearing. Still, she is spry, funny, and doesn't take shit from anyone.  She also got me hooked on this 1940's tv show about an Appalachian family living in the Appalachian Mountains during WWII called, "The Waltons." Did I mention that she has pets? There is the perfect beast-hound named Shady (we're best friends), and a half-dead cat, Oreo. Who needs any more company than that? 

I think since moving in I have inspired in her the need to take care of someone, something she hasn't done since my grandpa died seven years ago. She in turn has forced me to put something other than my pajamas on every day.

Since being here, I have applied to a factory and to a casino nearby for jobs. High aspirations for a college graduate, I know. But I am actually excited to start working for either. Not only would the structure be beneficial and give me some sort of purpose in life, but I am sure I would meet a variety of interesting characters and come across countless story ideas.

But the more I think about it, the more I am worried that I am holding off my life. I am not progressing myself in any way. The worst part is, I have absolutely no direction in where I want to go in my career.  How can I progress myself? I seriously don't know. Some of my friends already are settled down in companies, buying houses, and some have even moved to New York City.

And I'm here. Not really trying to do anything at all except move to Europe.  And when I get there, what next? If I become an Au Pair and my term ends, what job am I going to pursue when I return home? 

Am I not a hard worker? Is that it?

Am I not trying hard enough? 

Why else is everyone getting real jobs and settling into mature careers and I am not?

I envision this life of adventure and travel and romance for myself, and eventually I want a semi-nice house with a half dozen tots running around, but I have no idea how I am going to get there.  I have an end goal but no real career in mind, other than getting published. 

I read something to supplement the book I am currently reading called "Success Secrets of The World's Most Cynical Man." When I saw it I thought, "Hey, I'm pretty cynical. Maybe this guy can help in my time of directionless wandering." So I read it, and though it turned out to be persuasive Christian, bible-banging propaganda, it had a few good points. 

One of them was that, no matter how great something seems, like a new wardrobe, or a million dollars, or even travel, it will never fully satisfy. Getting the much-coveted Chanel purse I have had my eye on for the past five years will not actually make me an eternally happy person. It will not solve my personal problems. It will not give me purpose in life. 

And neither will travel. 

This revelations completely quaked my foundation for going to France. "What?" I thought, "Moving to France for a year won't solve my problems? It won't inspire me? It won't show me the true meaning of life?" 

Crap.

And though the book said that only living a life for the purpose of pleasing the one true God will make me eternally happy, I don't completely buy it. This one book on Buddhism that I'm reading claims that to be fulfilled, one must give up all desires. I don't really buy that either. 

My goal right now is to find a career that will make me happy and fulfilled. I know a lot of people who love their job. I need that. It exists somewhere out there. 

The key is finding it.

The problem is how.